I Don’t Know How You Do It!...You are So Strong…

I have heard this quite a bit over the last couple of weeks and it has made me really think…  How do I do it?  Because sometimes I don’t “feel” very strong… 

As I reflect over the last several years…hold on a second, let’s be for real here…we are really talking about the last SIX years; I feel a rush of emotions… Some of you will read this all the way through…to understand…but some may not…because it is “just too hard”…but I encourage you to read on… to get a glimpse into “how I do it”…  to understand a mother’s heart while raising a child with chronic illness…

At times, I am angry…my son has been enduring intense daily pain for six long years; my son has missed out on kid stuff (my own mom just reminded me of this yesterday, when she realized, because of an article she read about the hospital Parker is treated at, that my son is being treated right alongside kids with cancer …oh how that got me to thinking)…while other children are going to school, my son is home learning algebra from virtual school…  while his classmates are playing sports, my son is doing physical therapy…while his friends are beginning to “date”, my son is home trying to find a friend who will talk to him on Xbox…  While his friends plan field trips, he plans trips to the blood lab…

And…I am sad…while his peers are going to high school events, my son is doing shots and infusions every week…while his friends are growing taller, my son has not grown since 3^rd grade… while other moms say good night, I am turning on my son’s breathing machine and praying… as kids ride their bikes and skateboards through the neighborhood, my son wheels his wheel chair…  while others are out and about doing “daily life”; we have spent many days at the hospital…

And I am frustrated…while his friends just go to the movies and snack, my son cannot take food into the movies nor eat what is there because of his allergies…while other moms are planning fun outings and events, I am on hold with the insurance company, drug company, medical scheduling…while other kids plan sleep overs, my son plans hospital sleep studies…

And I am exhausted...  my laundry is rarely put away; my medical to-do list grows every time I think I have everything crossed off; surgical appointments keep me awake and I fall asleep just as my 5:00 AM alarm goes off…  And I work, 40 long hours a week all around this crazy schedule…that is exhausting to the max!

So, I ask myself…how do I do it?  I do it because I MUST.  I do it because I love my son so very much.  I do it with faith and hope and because I am scared that if I pause…I just might just break.  But I know I won’t, because I am STRONG!  Even at my weakest…I know that I am strong…

And I am strong... because I have this young boy who is stronger than any “strong” that I could ever know…  He has faced this disease head on…fiercely, endlessly, and has fought with all his might for his life.

And I am joyful…because my son knows how valuable life is…he sees the good in people all around him…he spreads love through his simple bright, never-ending smile… My son, this young old soul has wisdom way beyond his years…  He gives back to so many, without hesitation…  And in those brief moments that he has the physical strength, he lives life to the fullest and seizes those moments with so much passion that he fills me up with his energy making me believe that anything is possible.

I have such a gift…my son is with me.  There are families…families we know…who have lost their battle to this disease… and I will always and forever cherish ever single moment with all my love and might and will never ever give up the fight.  Logan, Michael, and I do it for him and every family who is strong, because they must be!